A Letter to the One I Left Behind

Dearest Dodong,

So this is how it feels…leaving someone behind. I used to think it was quite easy. How come you make it look so easy?

Days before I left, I’ve felt the creeping ache of leaving you behind. But on the day I left, as you dropped me off the airport, I was numb. Or I thought I was. I fought back the tears as I hugged you goodbye.

I went through the motions: baggage check-in, immigration and boarding, like my usual travels abroad. Maybe I didn’t feel anything because of the overhead storage space rush for my carry-on luggage. You told me I needed to get storage space since there are passengers, who tend to hog the overhead bins with their luggage and balikbayan boxes. Of course, I listened, then ran through almost 10 boarding gates and made sure I was first out the door of the airport shuttle. So all I felt was the trickle of sweat beads down my neck.

As soon as the flight attendant stored my luggage in the overhead bins (Unfortunately, I had no child stool to help me reach the bins,) I plopped onto my seat and realized that I had no seatmate. It felt great since I had more leg and sleeping room for the long flight back to Manila. That’s when the loneliness kicked in. I came to Dubai with you beside me, and now you were left behind. All I have is an empty seat and silence.

I started watching in-flight entertainment to distract the loneliness creeping in. Emirates gave me the chance to watch blockbuster hits I missed when we were planning our wedding. Maybe I chose the wrong movies to watch. Thor and Water for Elephants had love stories in their plots. There were scenes where I couldn’t help but cry.

I tried to distract myself again with other things like the scenery down below. I opened the cabin window and saw a beautiful orange sunset. Not a good idea. Sunsets always remind me of you. I was again moved to tears. So I shut the cabin window.

I wanted to have a good laugh. I would only be away from you for a month or so. Then I flipped through the in-flight entertainment menu and saw “The Simpsons” episodes. Maybe this will help alleviate the loneliness. Yes, I did have some laughs. I may have weirded out Mr. Kabayan seated in front of me. But watching “The Simpsons” was not a good idea as well. Homer reminded me so much of you…so again, I missed you more. Sigh.

I missed you, my husband, so so so much. I don’t know if it would have felt the same should we still have been just boyfriend-girlfriend. But I think it felt different. Being married gave us a different bond.

I presume that you’ve felt this way. The many times you’ve come home then flew off to the desert. I now understand the reason why you never wanted me to bring you to the airport. It could’ve been harder on you, as it was on me.

But instead of being grim and glum about leaving you behind, I do try to change my perspective. Because I know that this separation will not last. This separation is the beginning, the beginning of our life together. The beginning of our Project Closing the Distance.

I love you. See you very, very soon.

 

Love the distance,

Inday I. Nagintay