Look at my beautiful Lola

The waiting finally ended as my lola finally joined her Creator last Sunday, December 12 2010, at 730PM.

It's been a tiring week for the entire family, especially for my lolo, who survived her. He is still grieving as of this every moment, and we are praying that he will soon come to his senses and accept that this end is really the beginning…

"Your loving is like a beautiful red rose'" - To Lola from Phoebe

The beginning of new lessons learned.

The beginning of renewed family bonds

The beginning of  lifelong friendships

The beginning of  family additions SOON.

Seeing my lolo (who was restrained by 5 of his children from jumping into the cemetery plot) yesterday at the funeral kept me thinking: What if Dodong would move on to the next life????

I think I'd be as devastated as he was…maybe even more? Wouldn't it be so lonely to have the one you love the most gone forever and ever? Most especially if it would happen while we are apart. That would be the ultimate pits. But really, no one knows when. So this would be the beginning of more living and loving each second together apart…

Again, a big thank you to everyone who offered their prayers. Pls do continue praying for our family

The gates to loneliness are empty.

When one (or rather two since a couple is involved) is in a long distance relationship, both must expect fairly regular dealings with the sickness of LDR loneliness. One sickness that I am going through at this very moment. One sickness that I loathe to the core because it's so hard to get out of…plus it is regular in long distance relationships.

Do you have your bouts of LDR loneliness too?

I would like to reiterate that I do get them, at least once a month. Sometimes I feel that people think that I'm ok and that it's a breeeze since it's been two years. But it's not…

There are times that…

• I cry myself to sleep because Dodong thinks that he can't talk to me plus I'm nahihiya to tell other people.
• I treat myself to a good meal to offset the loneliness. Very expensive at times.
• I go to my favorite massage place (Tonton's Thai Massage at the moment) and get a two-hour body massage. Expensive too.
• I just walk around like a zombie in a crowded mall.
• I stare into space. Okay, this is similar to the previous one.
• I write a lonely email to Dodong.
• Or yes, write a blog post like this one.

How do you deal with your seasons of LDR loneliness?

Love the distance (Do I really??? I just hate it sometimes),

Inday I. Nagintay

I am Lonely as this sculpture

Work has been so tiring for me and Dodong in these past two-three weeks. I'm quite new at work, been attending back-to-back-to-back meetings at the same time reading emails, doing reports and all at work. PLUS, I still have my projects on the side: another blog to maintain, writing projects, financial planning sessions, and more. On the other hand, Dodong has been handed over a shitload of work, transferring to another group in his desert office.

I feel like a star in my career right now (at least I think so. Hehehe!), but it's been just lonely…

I'm so happy with the wins at work, but sad that Dodong is not here to share those wins with me. I was soooo exhausted (pero super happy naman!) from work the past nights that I just wished that Dodong were here to give a big hug after a loooooooong day at work. It's just one of those dayssssss.

Have you ever felt the same way? You shine so brightly but there's no one to share it with. Well, at least like physically.

HAY.

I know I owe you guys the Loving the Distance blog anniversary contest winner, but I'm just to beat to process it and I felt I have to let this out.

HAY.

Hope it's okay if I take a bit of a breather. Even for just a day. Is it?

Love the distance,

Inday I. Nagintay

Many a times I do wonder and ponder: when my ONE-ness end? When will I get to enjoy events and whatnots with my plus ONE?

I don’t want to end up being the odd ONE out every single time. And I am super relieved that this is one of the things that Dodong and I do agree on (Believe me there are a gazillion things we do not agree on). Our being in a LDR is just a temporary state.

We both are working real hard (It’s been a week since my last post as I’ve had my hands tied and sucky Internet service to deal with) to get ourselves out of the LDR. Yes, we are happy in the LDR state. But who doesn’t want to be physically together with their one true love?

Love the distance,

Inday I. Nagintay

P.S. I'd like to get to know you better so hope you could answer a quick survey here.

Killing loneliness doesn't have to be a suicide mission

Earlier this week, I was just feeling down in the dumps wanting to rid this gripping feeling of loneliness.In our almost two-years in a long distance relationship, the loneliness pops up, creeps up once in a while…maybe even regularly. Once a month? Once in a quarter? I have not taken note of the patterns just yet. But it never totally disappears. I just wanted to kill it. Yes, kill the loneliness. At least temporarily.

And I worked hard to do so. What best killed that bastard called loneliness this time?

A wee bit of reassurance from Dodong

I was afraid to share the heaviness of the loneliness load with Dodong but I knew I just had to. I had to go straight to the "source" of all loneliness. And I just literally poured my heart out…it wasn't a pretty sight. Well, he didn't see it since we did not engage in webcam chat (I guess it would be painful for him too. Another nuisance of a long distance relationship). So tears, tears, and more tears galore.

But then after two consecutive nights of loneliness dumping, I did feel better. Plus it made me fall in love all over again with Dodong because he truly does love me seeing me going through that emotional ordeal. Thank you.

A whole lot of comfort from friends

I just had to share the load. So I emailed and chatted with my friends, M and C, who've known me since grade school. They know Dodong and our LDR (well, they've seen us grow through the 7+ years) I even wrote a loooooooooong loneliness sob story on Facebook. Their listening ears and reality-slapping words helped put things back into perspective.

And just getting out of the house, meeting up with other friends, made the overpowering loneliness slowly fade away…

Last, but not the least, some booze and good food

Okay, I am a certified food addict. When I'm lonely, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. Hehehe. So in this case, I treated myself to some good eats at the ff: Qasa 61 with my good friend E and her boyfriend C, Uncle Moe's Shawarma with C and Le Ching with myself (Okay, I'm such an addict I can actually eat out by myself).

Booze? I had a little. Not so much. But there's something about being inebriated that messes up with your feelings. In my case, it did in a good way.

So today, I am definitely feeling much better. Loneliness killed…again, at least temporarily. So it's back to regular long distance relationship programming

How do you kill your LDR loneliness?

Love the distance,

Inday I. Nagintay

Today is quite a lonely day. I hate it. I am definitely feeling EMO. And while surfing, I stumbled upon this song: Killing Loneliness by HIM.

Perfect.

The lyrics don't make any sense in my teary state. But what the heck. I just want to kill this loneliness…

Memories, sharp as daggers
Pierce into the flesh of today
Suicide of love took away all that matters
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
I'm killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

Nailed to the cross, together
As solitude begs us to stay
Disappear in the lie forever
And denounce the power of death over our souls and secret words are said to start a war

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
I'm killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

Killing loneliness

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me

So how do you kill your loneliness? HELP.

Love the distance,

Inday I. Nagintay

This song is just fits the feeling of loneliness I have right now. Sometimes the thoughts of Dodong really do make me crazy…even if just in my mind.

Here are the lyrics to the song…

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face

A thousand lights had made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles had separate
They disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin
as the people either way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me

Everything I know,
and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it's all said and done
it get hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl it's only you and me

Do you share the same feeling?

Love the distance,

Inday I. Nagintay

Can't I have my cake and eat it too?

Dodong has been up and about since last Thursday as the Formula 1 Yas Marina race in Abu Dhabi has started. It's been his dream to witness a Formula 1 race ever since and this is it! His dream come true!

While has been experiencing living his dream the past few days and I've been feeling left out. Another one of those bouts of loneliness…or alone-ness perhaps?

Dodong says I should not be feeling these feelings at all because of the fact that he is coming home very soon (in 20 days to be exact). But I still feel left out. I've always wanted to be there to experience major things like dreams coming true with him. But the distance does not allow us that.

I'm happy for him, but, at the same time, sad. He says he understands me, but I think and feel that he doesn't.

Don't you want to be by his side when HIS dreams come true?

Love the distance,

Inday I. Nagintay

I cried a bucket of tears...

This time around I know that it's different. I've been lonely and longed for Dodong's presence but I do know in my heart how different it feels this time around.

This morning, after waiting for Dodong to safely arrive home after a weekend gimmick night, I just felt the sudden surge of loneliness and longing which I have kept inside for around 3 months now. And I cried. I just cried because I miss him so much. I really couldn't help it.

In times of loneliness, I do distract myself with activities and friends. But this morning it hit me so bad. No amount of activity can take that feeling away from me today.

All I want is for Dodong to come home and be with me. Gaze into my eyes. Hold my hand. Embrace me and never let go.

Is this too much to ask?

Love the distance,

Inday I. Nagintay

Dodong is an owner of a lonely heart

In our relationship, I've always been the one who is clingy and who longs for his presence (whether physical or just emotional since we are not physically together). I'm the one who always misses him more than he misses me. He is the tough guy who is not so showy of his emotions / feelings. You get the picture. Those who know Dodong too well can attest to that.

But in the past days, I've been seeing a strange, out-of-this-world, pinch-me-I-must-be-dreaming kind of change. Dodong actually misses me more than I do. He is surprisingly very very very lonely, longing for my presence. So how did I get to know this?

Here are the 5-tell tale signs that he misses me sooooo much…

He finally admitted that he is lonely.

Yes acceptance is the first stage. He just texted me one fine day that it dawned upon him that at the end of each monotonous desert day, he is alone. Yes he has friends and/or housemates to be with and he can entertain himself with shopping, movies, gimik galore but still he is lonely. I guess that the excitement of exploring a new place has finally died down, after almost a year and a half (well, 428 days to be exact) of being in the desert sands of the UAE.

He ALWAYS texts me when he arrives at the office and when gets home from work  / gimik

He used to hate this. We call it reporting for duty. He couldn't understand why the hell he needs to inform me where he was at certain points in time, if he gets home at what time, blah, blah, blah. It was just too suffocating for him.

But now, he tells me when he gets to the office, especially when I am not online on YM. He also lets me know when he gets home from work and most especially during weekends / gimik nights. And this is without me reminding him to text me. He does it on his own! He's so cute!

He constantly wants to me to communicate with him.

When I'm not online and I don't get to tell him I'm out, he frantically texts me: "Where are you???" I do make it a point now to tell him about my itinerary so he doesn't get too lonely. If I'm out of the office, we do chattext (i.e. chat through text) just to keep in touch.

His heart melts every time he sees my picture.

We've made it a point to regularly send each other pictures of each other to: 1) showcase the outfit of the day — since his office requires business attire and he is a T-shirt and jeans kind of guy and 2) update each of our weight status — losing weight has been quite competitive ever since I lost so much weight.

And I can really feel his sigh every time he replies to my daily journals, whether I'd be super made up (which is so not usual…once in a very very blue moon) or just au natural with absolutely no make up and hair all over the place.

He now finds public declarations of affection amusing.

He loathes PDA. Well, eventually he got used to it I guess. But he still is aloof when I declare my lovey dovey feelings in front of friends. Yesterday, I posted an "I love you! I miss you" message on his Facebook wall. To my surprise, he did not react violently to this and found it very amusing. Because I am "forever cute and amusing"

Little does he know that HE is the one who is amusing now. It actually makes me miss him more. Sigh. I know na ang haba ng hair ko. In english, I am very much flattered because he has never shown this much affection in 7-years++. In reality, it breaks my heart to see him this lonely. Makes me want to buy the next ticket out to Dubai just now. Hmmm…maybe not. Maybe somebody can donate? Hehehe!

How does your better half manifest his missing you?

Love the distance,

Inday I. Nagintay